My name is Jimmy Vougar. About eight years ago I was saved by a guy named Chris Lohnger. The details are fuzzy seeing as I was three and had fallen in the snow during a blizzard, but I still remember that he risked his life and hurt himself in order to save me. Most people don't know about what he did for me, but his friends were waiting for him by the chair lift when he got to the end of the slope. Chris was the coolest guy I've ever known and I don't know if I can ever fully repay him, but finding out what really happened that day will get me a little closer to find a way.
After that day, Chris and I became very close, and soon became good friends. I followed him everywhere, and his friends always asked why he hung out with me. They thought that all he did was help me down the mountain so I wouldn't fall and get hurt, I guess that he never told them what really happened. Whenever they would ask about me, he would always try and hide the truth by only saying "He's a good friend of mine. His name is Jimmy." Every time he said that I want so desperately to speak up and tell them what he did for me. The only problem was that I was 3 so I couldn't speak very well. Every time I did speak up though, they either weren't listening to me, or I would get nervous and hide behind Chris's leg. I got to know Chris' friends just by watching them. I had nothing else to do when I was with him, so I studied his friends ever so carefully. I could probably pick them out of a line up right now if I saw their faces. When they weren't with Chris and I, Chris would focus all of his attention on me. No matter how childish my request was he would do it no questions asked. He was the coolest 8th grader later, and he even became some what of a protector to me. I just wish I could see him right now and try and conjure up the courage to talk to him. I haven't seen him since he left for collage, for all I know he could be in China right now, making this the only way of showing him that what he did made him everything to me.
"What? Yeah, I'm Ricky. Listen kid, I just got out of college, 8th grade for me was 8 years ago. That's a long time for me to remember someone... Wait, did you just say Chris, as in Chris Lohnger? Dude, of course I remember Chris! He was the coolest guy ever! We used to hit the slopes together all the time! Yeah, he was amazing at snowboarding. I remember this one time where he was demoing a Burton Air, a board that he had wanted like forever, and he decided to take it into the terrain park. He does everything perfectly, it was his best performance ever, people were taking pictures of him and everything. He went off of a ramp leading up to rail, but transfered onto a rail right next to it. He got so much air, and he landed right in the middle of the rail. He hit it so hard that his board bent so much it looked like it was going to snap! Kid, we did too many runs for me to remember just one, I mean there are some moments that I will never forget, but there aren't that many. You mean the one where he came off of that double black bowl bruised up and with a hurt wrist? Oh yeah, me and Rose were to scared to go down it so we decided to go on a different run right next to it. We told him we'd meet him at the chair lift. We waited forever, and then we heard rumbling. I assumed that it was just something in the chair lift screwing up, they stopped it for a second right after the rumble which just proved my point. When he finally came down, he was bruised, his wrist was hurting him and he was covered in snow. There was also some little kid that he was helping, the kid was 3 or something and looked knocked out. He kept following Chris around after that. You look familiar. Kind of like that Jimmy kid who used to hang out with Chris. Whatever, anyway, Rose would probably remember more about it, you should go find her."
"Hang on a sec Jenny, I'll help you with that order in a second! Look, this better be important, I've got a bunch of tables to clear, and a shit load of costumers to serve. Who are you anyway? Jimmy Vougar? Why does that name sound so familiar? Chris? As in Chris Lohnger? Of course I remember Chris! Oh my god! It's been such a long time since I've seen him! He was like, the best boyfriend ever! I mean, we only went out for 2 years, but it seemed like forever back then. Did something happen to him? Is he dead or something? Oh, good. Anyway yeah, I remember him why? Well, he was kind of short, he was tan, he had long hair, he was strong, and he was really fast. What do you think I am, retarded? Of course I know that fast part isn't what he looks like! Well, I'm through talking to you, and I have to go back to the diner! What is it now? You mean that time he hurt his wrist? Yeah, I can tell you everything I know about that, which isn't much, but if it helps you. Anyway, there was this bowl that he really wanted to go down, but neither me or Ricky thought that we could do it. There was like a 15 foot drop off or something before the slope. So we went around to a different run and told Chris that we would meet him at the lift. We are sitting there waiting at the lift for like 5 minutes when we heard something that sounded like a cannon and then rumbling. We assumed that the rumbling was just the lift and that the cannon thing was just a kid falling hard off of a jump. I mean, the sound was kind of soft, as if it was really far away.When Chris finally came down, he was holding this little kid, his wrist was bent funny, and he was covered in snow. We just thought that he was helping a kid who made a wrong turn down the mountain, had fallen trying to get to the kid, and had hurt his wrist during the fall. That's just what we thought though. He wouldn't talk about it or say anything about the kid or the slope. That's really all that I know about it, I'm sorry. Look, I have to get back to the diner, but if you want to know more I'm sure that Brian can help you. He owns a board shop out in Big Sky, Montana."
"Yeah, what is it? Chris, yeah I knew him. He was a devoted snowboarder, and he would come into my shop everyday to see new shipments coming in. I was also on ski patrol back then, so once he found about that, he came in every morning seeing if I could get him into the closed runs that had the perfect untouched powder that he loved. I actually was able to take him out once on a special tour thing. We went through a bunch of closed runs, cut through trees and out of bounds areas, and hit the biggest and bet bowls on he mountain. He was an amazing snowboarder, and he was really devoted to the sport too. From what I know, if he wasn't snowboarding, either he had gotten his lift ticket taken away, or something was wrong. He lost his ticket a lot from going out of bounds and on closed runs, but he got it back withing a few days seeing as everyone on the staff knew him. They eventually gave up and gave him privileges to go anywhere on the mountain as long as he contacted ski patrol first. There is one time in particular that I remember. He came into the shop with his wrist in a splint, his face was cut up, and his favorite board basically destroyed. I tried to fix it, but couldn't do much. I found bark on the edges of the board, which is odd because I've never seen him hit a tree, ever. The edges were chipped, the bindings were snapped, and the bottom was torn up beyond what any wax could fix. He wouldn't tell me what happened, I thought that he finally met a chute that got the best of him. I don't know much else, but if you go out to the mountain, you can find a snowboard school instructor that can probably tell you everything you need to know."
"Ok kids, good job. Hang on one second. Just keep going up the magic carpet. Max, remember, big slow turns, and stay in line. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'm CR. Chris? Dude, who do you think you're talking to? I'm CR, as in Chris Ray, Chris Ray Lohnger. Yeah, I still live here. Wait, you said still. How do you know I used to live here? The run? What run? Kid, I've been snowboarding for over 13 years, I can't really rembemr a single run, let alone a run from 8 years ago. Where the hell are you getting all of this information? Ok fine, meet me at Dante's Inerno at 12:30, I'll tell you about it there.
"Ok, so I was with Rose and Ricky early in the morning. We had just hiked up to the peak of the mountain to hit some bowls. The one that I chose looked too hard for them, so they kept on going to look for another one. We were in the middle of a blizzard too, so that didn't help getting them to try it. About half way down the run I saw a kid laying in the snow crying. That's when I heard rumbling. I looked up to see a wall of snow cascading down the slope. I got scared. There were trees on either sidee and one was right in front of the kid. I knew that if I didn't do something, the kid would die, but if I tried to save him, I might die. I ended up making a sharp turn and cutting straight across the mountain towards him.
Are there any moments in my story that seem awkward to you?
Does the story seem to drag a long at some points and spend to much time on details?
Does anything seem too unrealistic?
What do you think could be done to improve any hooks that keep the reader going?
After that day, Chris and I became very close, and soon became good friends. I followed him everywhere, and his friends always asked why he hung out with me. They thought that all he did was help me down the mountain so I wouldn't fall and get hurt, I guess that he never told them what really happened. Whenever they would ask about me, he would always try and hide the truth by only saying "He's a good friend of mine. His name is Jimmy." Every time he said that I want so desperately to speak up and tell them what he did for me. The only problem was that I was 3 so I couldn't speak very well. Every time I did speak up though, they either weren't listening to me, or I would get nervous and hide behind Chris's leg. I got to know Chris' friends just by watching them. I had nothing else to do when I was with him, so I studied his friends ever so carefully. I could probably pick them out of a line up right now if I saw their faces. When they weren't with Chris and I, Chris would focus all of his attention on me. No matter how childish my request was he would do it no questions asked. He was the coolest 8th grader later, and he even became some what of a protector to me. I just wish I could see him right now and try and conjure up the courage to talk to him. I haven't seen him since he left for collage, for all I know he could be in China right now, making this the only way of showing him that what he did made him everything to me.
"What? Yeah, I'm Ricky. Listen kid, I just got out of college, 8th grade for me was 8 years ago. That's a long time for me to remember someone... Wait, did you just say Chris, as in Chris Lohnger? Dude, of course I remember Chris! He was the coolest guy ever! We used to hit the slopes together all the time! Yeah, he was amazing at snowboarding. I remember this one time where he was demoing a Burton Air, a board that he had wanted like forever, and he decided to take it into the terrain park. He does everything perfectly, it was his best performance ever, people were taking pictures of him and everything. He went off of a ramp leading up to rail, but transfered onto a rail right next to it. He got so much air, and he landed right in the middle of the rail. He hit it so hard that his board bent so much it looked like it was going to snap! Kid, we did too many runs for me to remember just one, I mean there are some moments that I will never forget, but there aren't that many. You mean the one where he came off of that double black bowl bruised up and with a hurt wrist? Oh yeah, me and Rose were to scared to go down it so we decided to go on a different run right next to it. We told him we'd meet him at the chair lift. We waited forever, and then we heard rumbling. I assumed that it was just something in the chair lift screwing up, they stopped it for a second right after the rumble which just proved my point. When he finally came down, he was bruised, his wrist was hurting him and he was covered in snow. There was also some little kid that he was helping, the kid was 3 or something and looked knocked out. He kept following Chris around after that. You look familiar. Kind of like that Jimmy kid who used to hang out with Chris. Whatever, anyway, Rose would probably remember more about it, you should go find her."
"Hang on a sec Jenny, I'll help you with that order in a second! Look, this better be important, I've got a bunch of tables to clear, and a shit load of costumers to serve. Who are you anyway? Jimmy Vougar? Why does that name sound so familiar? Chris? As in Chris Lohnger? Of course I remember Chris! Oh my god! It's been such a long time since I've seen him! He was like, the best boyfriend ever! I mean, we only went out for 2 years, but it seemed like forever back then. Did something happen to him? Is he dead or something? Oh, good. Anyway yeah, I remember him why? Well, he was kind of short, he was tan, he had long hair, he was strong, and he was really fast. What do you think I am, retarded? Of course I know that fast part isn't what he looks like! Well, I'm through talking to you, and I have to go back to the diner! What is it now? You mean that time he hurt his wrist? Yeah, I can tell you everything I know about that, which isn't much, but if it helps you. Anyway, there was this bowl that he really wanted to go down, but neither me or Ricky thought that we could do it. There was like a 15 foot drop off or something before the slope. So we went around to a different run and told Chris that we would meet him at the lift. We are sitting there waiting at the lift for like 5 minutes when we heard something that sounded like a cannon and then rumbling. We assumed that the rumbling was just the lift and that the cannon thing was just a kid falling hard off of a jump. I mean, the sound was kind of soft, as if it was really far away.When Chris finally came down, he was holding this little kid, his wrist was bent funny, and he was covered in snow. We just thought that he was helping a kid who made a wrong turn down the mountain, had fallen trying to get to the kid, and had hurt his wrist during the fall. That's just what we thought though. He wouldn't talk about it or say anything about the kid or the slope. That's really all that I know about it, I'm sorry. Look, I have to get back to the diner, but if you want to know more I'm sure that Brian can help you. He owns a board shop out in Big Sky, Montana."
"Yeah, what is it? Chris, yeah I knew him. He was a devoted snowboarder, and he would come into my shop everyday to see new shipments coming in. I was also on ski patrol back then, so once he found about that, he came in every morning seeing if I could get him into the closed runs that had the perfect untouched powder that he loved. I actually was able to take him out once on a special tour thing. We went through a bunch of closed runs, cut through trees and out of bounds areas, and hit the biggest and bet bowls on he mountain. He was an amazing snowboarder, and he was really devoted to the sport too. From what I know, if he wasn't snowboarding, either he had gotten his lift ticket taken away, or something was wrong. He lost his ticket a lot from going out of bounds and on closed runs, but he got it back withing a few days seeing as everyone on the staff knew him. They eventually gave up and gave him privileges to go anywhere on the mountain as long as he contacted ski patrol first. There is one time in particular that I remember. He came into the shop with his wrist in a splint, his face was cut up, and his favorite board basically destroyed. I tried to fix it, but couldn't do much. I found bark on the edges of the board, which is odd because I've never seen him hit a tree, ever. The edges were chipped, the bindings were snapped, and the bottom was torn up beyond what any wax could fix. He wouldn't tell me what happened, I thought that he finally met a chute that got the best of him. I don't know much else, but if you go out to the mountain, you can find a snowboard school instructor that can probably tell you everything you need to know."
"Ok kids, good job. Hang on one second. Just keep going up the magic carpet. Max, remember, big slow turns, and stay in line. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'm CR. Chris? Dude, who do you think you're talking to? I'm CR, as in Chris Ray, Chris Ray Lohnger. Yeah, I still live here. Wait, you said still. How do you know I used to live here? The run? What run? Kid, I've been snowboarding for over 13 years, I can't really rembemr a single run, let alone a run from 8 years ago. Where the hell are you getting all of this information? Ok fine, meet me at Dante's Inerno at 12:30, I'll tell you about it there.
"Ok, so I was with Rose and Ricky early in the morning. We had just hiked up to the peak of the mountain to hit some bowls. The one that I chose looked too hard for them, so they kept on going to look for another one. We were in the middle of a blizzard too, so that didn't help getting them to try it. About half way down the run I saw a kid laying in the snow crying. That's when I heard rumbling. I looked up to see a wall of snow cascading down the slope. I got scared. There were trees on either sidee and one was right in front of the kid. I knew that if I didn't do something, the kid would die, but if I tried to save him, I might die. I ended up making a sharp turn and cutting straight across the mountain towards him.
Are there any moments in my story that seem awkward to you?
Does the story seem to drag a long at some points and spend to much time on details?
Does anything seem too unrealistic?
What do you think could be done to improve any hooks that keep the reader going?